Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.

No! That’s not true. Don’t speak to me (Beat) You always wanna say shit for me, vouch for me or sign shit that we should both have our names on and I’m not gonna have it anymore…You are not me so you don’t know…Listen to me very carefully, OK, ’cause I’m only gonna say this one time. Fuck off…That’s what I want you to do, get the fuck out of my life and leave me alone, let me start over in serious fashion, maybe in a relationship or not, I dunno, but if it is something like that may it please, please be with someone who can keep from being an asshole and all overbearing and thinking they know everything because you don’t. You do not know a goddamn thing to do with me is what I’ve discovered in my four years with you. Four years that are now gone…so totally gone that it makes me cry when I see any little bit from our time together. A key ring, or or your name light up on my phone or…shit…Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.

You gave me nothing.

You gave me the river to wash in your love.

You gave me the stars to find You at night.

You gave me the rain to remind me to dance.

You gave me some grass to lie by Your side.

You gave me the forest so I’m never alone.

You gave me the birds to teach me to fly.

You gave me the my poppa to watch and listen.

You gave me the clouds to have something to dream.

You gave me a dog to teach me of friends.

You gave me one teardrop to feel for others.

You gave me the mountains to help me feel strong.

You gave some nightmare to help me be brave.

You gave me the wind to whisper my name.

And You gave me a nest to feel safe and secure.

 

So why the fuck can’t I have the one man I love?

After the Storm

This song has gotten me through so much. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve listened to it and cried. It brings me so much hope, which is what I’ll forever need.

After the Storm

Mumford and Sons

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won’t rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That’s why I hold,
That’s why I hold with all I have.
That’s why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I’ll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I’m scared of what’s behind and what’s before.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Song of the Flower

I am a kind word uttered and repeated
By the voice of Nature;
I am a star fallen from the
Blue tent upon the green carpet.
I am the daughter of the elements
With whom Winter conceived;
To whom Spring gave birth; I was
Reared in the lap of Summer and I
Slept in the bed of Autumn.
At dawn I unite with the breeze
To announce the coming of light;
At eventide I join the birds
In bidding the light farewell.
The plains are decorated with
My beautiful colors, and the air
Is scented with my fragrance.
As I embrace Slumber the eyes of
Night watch over me, and as I
Awaken I stare at the sun, which is
The only eye of the day.
I drink dew for wine, and hearken to
The voices of the birds, and dance
To the rhythmic swaying of the grass.
I am the lover’s gift; I am the wedding wreath;
I am the memory of a moment of happiness;
I am the last gift of the living to the dead;
I am a part of joy and a part of sorrow.
But I look up high to see only the light,
And never look down to see my shadow.
This is wisdom which man must learn.

-Khalil Gibran

Lord, help me to see.

I don’t understand what You’re trying to tell me.

There’s obviously something, but I can’t figure it out.

You sent me this girl. THE girl.

Ti Jean herself, not the character, but the actor.

A third year, and lead.

Why do You keep wanting me to meet her?

Why did You have us meet the first day of rehearsal?

Why did You have her remember my face?

Why do You make it so I find her everywhere I go?

And why is she just like me?

Who will she be to me?

Is she meant to teach me something?

Am I to be her in 3 years?

I hope so.

I want that more than anything.

You’re sending me a message,

and Lord, please help me to see what it is.

LouLouBelle

Dear LouLou,

I really wish you could see yourself the way everyone else sees you.

I wish you would stop hurting, and feel only love.

I want you to realize just how much you remind me of the sun.

Your light makes me want to be a better person.

Your ability to love unconditionally is incredible and it amazes me every time.

You may think it’s a curse, but you’d be surprised how many times your deep emotions truly uplift the people around you.

You make us feel like someone loves us, even when we think that’s impossible.

You brighten up the room with your laughter, something that is always present.

You ALWAYS include everyone, even though you claim you don’t like people.

You make us feel safe, like we always have something to fall back on.

Your smile is infectuous, and you make everything better just by being there.

You’re going to be an amazing mother, just as you are an amazing friend.

You’re so amazingly cool! I remember when we were in grade 11, when we were in the same art class, and before I met you I thought you looked so cool, so aware of yourself and everyone else. Your kindness radiates from you, and everyone can see it. I knew then that I wanted to be friends with you, I just didn’t know how to go about it. Then when I found out you were friends with Stin, it was perfect. This is something you may not know, but I totally tried to make you be friends with me, but I didn’t really have to try because it happened naturally.

I wish I could be there for you, it’s not the same without you next to me.

You’ve helped me through my worst time, and you’ve been there for the best.

I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t have you to talk to when I was going through all that stuff. You were the one that made it better.

I’ve never met a friend that I love as much as you, and I don’t think I ever will.

I don’t make friends easily, but somehow we fit so perfectly.

You make my life Lou, you make it happier, and you don’t even realize it.

I want you to see how beautiful you really are.

I want you to overcome the obstacles in your mind, something that I know personally is unbelievably hard,

but Lou I know you can do it.

You need to stop hiding, open your wings and be the person you’re meant to be, and part of that is your deep love.

It sucks, I know, but it’s who you are, it’s what God gave you, and God gave it to you for a reason. Use it.

Love always,

Jay

The Scabbing Heart.

I’m being healed without even trying.

No effort, no expectations, yet here I am, slowly scabbing over until this wound stops bleeding.

I can feel my heart beating, something I didn’t expect to happen again. It’s alive, and so am I.

I’m scared.

I don’t want to bleed again. I don’t want this gaping wound re-opened just when I thought it had closed for good. I don’t want to be tossed and torn and ripped.

I want to feel; feel like a regular person. I won’t be made to gush and faint and smile.

But  I so want to.

Why would I give up this feeling? I haven’t heard my heart pump in months and months. It’s imprinted. It’s growing and I can’t slow it down anymore. I’m treading on thin ice, and I can hear the cracks. There will be a break soon and then there’s no going back.

He’s medicine, the kind your weary about taking, but once you do you realize it’s exactly what you needed to get better. He slowly seeps through my veins, sparing nothing. Reaching down into the deepest places where no one belongs. No one but him.

I can feel them battling. Banging around, searching for some space; space to dominate.

Once upon a time he ruled. I fought him off, expelled him to the deepest reaches.

He ruled the blackness.

The light is warming me. I marvel at it’s brightness. The heat feels unbelievable on my cold, pale skin.

It hurts me but I want him gone.

I want the memory of pain and suffering and fear to be a distant shadow. A thorn creeping behind me, occasionally rubbing up against my now smooth skin. Biting, but not deep.

I want it out of me.

Apparently pain doesn’t exit through the blood stream, otherwise he’d be long gone.

I want to see light.

I want to be light.

Thanks be to God for not favouring the black.

summer flowers

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl.

Mountains moved and the sun shone through the apple trees.

Candy tasted sweeter and the world wasn’t so dark.

They would jump and swim and spend afternoons in the light.

Everything was summer.

The boy didn’t know that she had a secret;

a secret she covered under layers of glass.

Clothes clung to bodies,

and bodies clung to bodies.

I want to live in your skin and never have to leave.

A kiss on the forehead and I’m yours forever.

If you drop me I may fall,

and the pieces are too small to pick back up.

It’s a steady line with a sharp fall on either side,

I’ve tripped before and I may be falling again.

Heartbeats dance like rain on the open window,

and flowers are abundant.

I’m thinking of giving you my heart to look after,

it’s fragile, but it’ll stay yours forever.

Mania

Wake up

Heavy workout

Avoid food

Finish a book

Stare at the wall

Talk to a boy that hurts

Crack a beer

or 7

Smoke til it hurts

Climb the roof,

think about jumping off

Destroy anything

sometimes yourself

‘Forget’ to eat

More workout

Yell at the family

Leave and stay gone

Sleep for an hour to forget it all

Then do it all again.

the pulling of the wind

The wind is rustling

i hear it in my ear;

It seems to be calling

dragging me ever near.

Why do I feel so stranded

in a place of my own?

How can I be so trapped

without feeling alone?

Inside these four walls

i can’t seem to move;

Within this dark world

I’ve got nothing to prove.

I can’t seem to fit

these shoes on my feet;

In the long grass i remove them

and I feel so complete.

This big world is filled

with tricks and falls words;

If i could grow wings

i’d fly to the sun with the birds.

I can feel the wind begging,

urging me out;

Because when I finally get out

my full roots will truly sprout.